i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
You Might Also Like
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.