there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop