Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
#Caturday
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.