them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.