Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.