Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”