@LostFelicia

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

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@daemonic3

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

@WheelTod

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

@BGH70

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

@DirtMcTurd

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@AnitaHelmet

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

@Halbeerz

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

@AsgardianRose

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@crabgirl_

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?