Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
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God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.