I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day