Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I mean…but I did
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*launders Kohls cash*
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.