Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
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“and you are November’s PM yes?”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers