Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.