[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?