just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Never let them know your next move 😂
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.