they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
nice challenge
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.