a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
lmao
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Squirrels before girls.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off