My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little