Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Story of my life…..
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
fourth time’s the charm
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?