Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me buying fruit and veg
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.