I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?