Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict