Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Mad Max Arctic Road
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.