You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m awake but I object,
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…