For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
sleeping beauty
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If you know, you know
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My whole life was a lie.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right