The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Wikigenius
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?