My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
They grow up so quick
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.