Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”![]()
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another