Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx