Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.