Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
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Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.