Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Spa day..😅
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!