Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.