Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”