I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Brother?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”