Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
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18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: