He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”