Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
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canadian assassins are called killergrams
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.