Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”