Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
im 7 sauces long
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.