Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.