I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
You Might Also Like
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.