My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not