The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.