I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
You Might Also Like
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
wtf management?!
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.