I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.