I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”