You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.