I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Social distancing in Australia:
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Important reminders
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.