Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way