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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.