Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life