Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.