[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it