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@fro_vo

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@jus4golf

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

@briangaar

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

@DanMentos

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

@SteveSuckington

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

@JoParkerBear

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

@RodLacroix

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

@Kids_kubed

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it