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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.