My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.