My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
May never get over this
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.