2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Single and childfree like Jesus
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)