Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
what’s the point then??
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place