[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room