@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

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@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

@0point5twins

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

@pilau

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

@TheAlexNevil

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

@TheCiscoKidder

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

@pilau

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week