Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.